Lesson 5 - Of Course! No Wonder!

Let’s recap what we have begun to experiment with so far:

• Lesson 1: Be as specific as possible and name the thoughts, feelings and body sensations.
• Lesson 2: Change the wording from’ I am’ to ‘A part of me’
• Lesson 3: Acknowledge the part, or say hello to it.
• Lesson 4: Place a gentle hand on that part of the body.

Let’s explore the final skill in this e-Course.

The mind can get really worried and scared of these uncomfortable sensations and it can get very judgemental and critical of these feelings. So instead of judging, we need to give the mind something else to do.

The antidote to the self-critical ‘why do I feel this way?’ is to say to that part ‘no wonder’ it feels that way.

For example:

1. I should be able to just call that person! Why am I scared? I shouldn’t feel scared!
2. Given how much has been going on, no wonder a part of me is feeling scared.

Maybe try saying those two sentences to yourself and see if you notice any difference in how they land on you. Which is more familiar?

If you experience a lot of anxiety, a) is likely more familiar. One of the keys to anxiety management is being able to build the ability to catch the judgements and bring in the tools of self-compassion. The more we do that, the bigger our tolerance for difficult emotions and body sensations becomes. It gets a lot easier to acknowledge them versus getting taken over by them.

Here is another example:

1. A part of me is overwhelmed because I keep thinking I can’t cope with how I’m feeling.          
2. Given that a part of me is scared I can’t cope with how I’m feeling, no wonder I’m feeling overwhelmed.

Instead of telling ourselves our emotions don’t make sense or that we shouldn’t feel the way we feel, ‘no wonder’ helps us allow that there is a good reason we feel what we feel, even if we aren’t completely clear on what those reasons might be yet.
 

Experiment 5:1 - Page 6 of Workbook
If you notice yourself getting anxious, try taking a moment to pause and check in with yourself. Maybe even try writing down this experiment.

1. Name 3 thoughts, 2 emotions and 1 body sensation you can identify.
2. Choose the strongest emotion and reframe to ’a part of me’ feels __________________.
3. Take a moment to just acknowledge that part by saying hello to it.
4. Place a hand where you sense that part in your body and just take a few deep breaths.
5. No wonder a part of me is feeling_________________.

Often it is initially hard to give ourselves this compassion. When I work with people using this technique, they often tell me that they start to hear my voice in their head saying ‘no wonder.’ 

Over time it becomes easier for them to say those words to themselves and to have that land in a comforting way.

The Parable of the Two Arrows
This ancient parable describes our pain and suffering as being hit by two arrows. The first arrow, the inevitable pain of life, whether a difficult event, thought or feeling, is shot at us; we have little control over this. But then we shoot a second arrow at ourselves with our own reaction to the pain, amplifying and prolonging it. The suffering from the refusal or pushing away of this pain, the ‘it shouldn’t be here,’ the ‘I can’t stand this,’ but also the blaming, the ruminating, the ‘why me?’ the ‘it’s always been this way and always going to be this way’ stories: these are the parts we add. To put it simply: pain is inevitable; suffering is optional.

Emotions are neither good nor bad, but some are certainly more uncomfortable than others. Most people are happy to welcome the feeling of happiness and excitement, but are far less welcoming or tolerant to sadness or fear. Interesting right?

Brene Brown, a researcher on vulnerability and shame says that we can’t cherry-pick our emotions. If we want to truly experience joy and happiness, we must equally be able to make room for sadness and fear. That’s something to ponder.

These 5 skills help us to:

1. Build our ability to identify our thoughts feelings and body sensations
2. Move from over-identification to ‘a part of me’.
3. Learn to pause and acknowledge the parts by saying hello
4. Give some comfort by placing a hand where we notice those parts
5. Allow that there are probably good reasons we feel the way we do, even if those reasons aren’t clear yet. No wonder!

Maybe you are thinking, ‘now what?’

Through working on these skills with both myself and others, I’ve noticed that once we get better at applying these 5 skills something interesting happens.

As we are able to provide more self-compassion and spend less energy trying to analyze or push away uncomfortable parts, there starts to become room to get curious about what these parts may need or have to share with us.

Imagine if in your internal space there was a giant banquet table. There was a seat at the table for every part of your ‘inner community’ -the parts you enjoy and the distressing parts alike. Imagine that you, as the host, were able to welcome each of those parts equally and help them feel safe and accepted. Gradually you would learn to trust your ability to listen to what each part had to say without worrying about that part becoming unruly. Imagine the rich data those parts might have to share with you. Imagine how much safer and calmer your internal space could feel.

Over these 5 lessons, we have been experimenting with skills that can help us to identify and label different parts (Lesson 1) and then to create some space around these parts (Lesson 2). We learned to begin to build in the practice of self-compassion through acknowledging or saying hello (Lesson 3),placing a hand where it feels soothing (Lesson 4),and offering an antidote to self-criticism through saying ‘no wonder’ (Lesson 5).

If you keep practicing, over time, you will gain confidence in your ability to identify and welcome each part. It will also get easier to soothe any distressed parts so they don’t jump in the driver’s seat and take you somewhere you don’t want to go.

Our ‘inner community’ has important information to share with us. With experience it will get easier to ‘sit with’ and listen to those parts. Through listening and learning from those parts you will no longer need to ask, “So what do I do?” Instead, you will begin to know within yourself how best to proceed.

One final note:
These skills are in no way meant to offer a ‘single solution’ to anxiety.  While it would be wonderful if there were such a thing, in reality these skills will likely be part of a bigger toolbox of supports and tools you are developing to better manage anxiety and create more inner calm.  As well, please remember it takes time to get comfortable with using these skills to help with managing anxiety. As I mentioned at the beginning, sometimes we can just pick up a guitar and play, but sometimes it makes more sense to find a music teacher.

Congratulations on completing the course!