Lesson 4 - Giving Comfort to 'A Part of Me'

How did it go with your practice?

Don’t worry if you forget or it feels awkward. It’s a big shift you are making and it takes time for it to become familiar or even make sense sometimes.

Let’s recap what we have been experimenting with so far:

• Lesson 1: Be as specific as possible and name the thoughts, feelings and body sensations.
• Lesson 2: Change the wording from’ I am’ to ‘A part of me’
• Lesson 3: Acknowledge the part, or say hello to it.

Now let’s bring in Lesson 4

I’m sure you’ve had people tell you to be gentler with yourself; maybe you’ve even said that to other people. Being gentle with ourselves, often called self-compassion, is an important skill, but it can be hard enough to figure out what is meant by self-compassion, let alone how to apply it.

You have been building the foundation towards this self-compassion as you identify the ‘part of you’ and you ‘say hello to it’.

This next skill can be thought of as giving that ‘part of me’ a hug.
When you meet a close friend you identify who they are, say hello, and likely give them a hug. (If you aren’t a hugger, just ignore that analogy :-))

So here is an example of how it works:

I’m feeling really anxious about having that conversation with my partner.

1. I identify the thoughts, emotions and body sensations associated with that anxiety
   1. Thoughts: My partner might get angry, I’m not sure what to say, we might get in a fight
   2. Emotions: fear, helpless
   3. Body Sensation: tightness in my stomach
2. I choose one of those parts and reframe it: ‘A part of me is scared about having that conversation with my partner…’
3. ‘…and I’m saying hello to it.’
4. I just place my hand on my stomach where I noticed that tight, scared sensation. Then just take a few breaths noticing the gentle weight and warmth of my hand on that scared part.

Saying hello to ‘a part of you’ and then putting your hand gently where you notice the sensation in your body are concrete ways to cultivate self-compassion – being gentler with yourself.

Experiment 4:1 - Page 5 of Workbook
So let’s just take a moment and try this out.

If you aren’t seated already, find a place to sit down. Feel your feet firmly on the floor. Just take a moment to notice your legs sit-bones and back supported by the chair. Now just take a moment and check in with yourself, your internal space and ask: ‘how am I right now?’ Take a few breaths and see what you notice. Maybe there’s some heaviness or lightness? Some tension or ease? Maybe you notice some overwhelm or anxiety?

Once you tune into whatever is around in that internal space for you right now, as best you can:

1. Identify if it’s a thought, emotion or body sensation
2. Re-frame to ‘a part of me’
3. Acknowledge it by saying ‘hello’
4. Gently place your hand on the part of your body where you notice associated sensation.

Don’t try analyzing, changing or doing anything with the part, just take some breaths and see if you can keep it company for a few seconds.

What was that like for you? Was it hard to say ‘hello’ to those parts?

When I was first experimenting with acknowledging parts of myself and placing a comforting hand, I would often have trouble focusing because I'd get distracted by another part of myself that would be saying ‘I don’t want to do this, I just want that uncomfortable feeling to go away.’ Sometimes before I could go any further, I would need to acknowledge and say hello to that second part and include it in the process. Something like this:

• I notice a part of me that is feeling scared and I’m saying hello to it.
• I’m also noticing a part of me that doesn’t want that scared part to be there and I’m saying hello to that part too.
• And then I’m trying to allow room for both those parts to be there at once and place a hand wherever it would feel comforting.

So if you notice your mind getting distracted by another part of you that is judging how you are feeling, try acknowledging that judging part as well and see what happens.

Note:
The skills we’ve been looking at in each of the Lessons don’t have to be used in sequence. Maybe you first notice your stomach is tight and you gently place your hand there and then say hello and identify a part of you that is feeling scared. You will get a sense of what sequence feels most natural for you and this may vary at different times.

Continue on to Lesson 5 for a powerful antidote for self-judgement.