Lesson 3 - Acknowledging 'A Part of Me...'

How’s it going so far?

I know I can get impatient when I’m trying new things so in case you happen to be the same way, I just wanted to remind you that this is a new process; it’s normal if it feels awkward or unclear. If you keep experimenting with it, it will get easier.

Let’s recap what we have looked at so far:

• Lesson 1: Be as specific as possible and name/label the thoughts, feelings and body sensations.
• Lesson 2: Change the wording from I am… to A part of me…

And now onto the next step.

• Lesson 3: Acknowledge the part, or say hello to it.

Sound strange? Let me explain…

When you see a friend, what do you do?

1. Do you start judging them and telling them what’s wrong with them?
2. Do you push them away?
3. Do you say hello?

It’s understandably hard to think of these distressing parts of ourselves as ‘friends’ and our first reaction is more often a) and/or b)  

So imagine if we could choose c) and say hello to these parts instead?

Now just to be clear, you are saying hello simply to acknowledge that part. By saying hello you aren’t denying that it is uncomfortable or that you would prefer that it wasn’t there.

So let’s give it a go.

• I can’t believe she said that to me!  - > A part of me can’t believe she said that to me, and I’m saying hello to it.
• I’m scared of screwing up! -> A part of me is scared of screwing up and I’m just saying hello to it.

That’s it.

You identify the part having that thought, feeling or body sensation and you say hello to it.

So why say hello?

There is a paradox with our thoughts, feelings and body sensations, the more we try to get rid of them, the more powerful they become.  Yet it can be really challenging to know what to do instead of trying to get rid of them.

Acknowledging or saying hello to these parts is one way of starting to change the more familiar judgemental or ‘pushing away’ reactions.

Let’s go back to that example of saying hello to somebody as you pass.

Imagine this time you are walking down the road and you see an acquaintance that you don’t prefer, but you are going to walk right past each other.

Two scenarios:

1. You decide to tell this acquaintance what you think of them, you criticize them and tell them how they should be different and for good measure you push them away. What do you imagine will happen? Well, they are probably going to push back. You are now stuck in a battle with somebody who you find unpleasant and the situation gets even worse. And even once you get onto other things you can’t stop thinking about them!
    
2. You acknowledge the acquaintance with a hello as you become aware of them. Sure it may be uncomfortable for a moment, but by simply saying hello without getting into all the judgments you may have about them, you can likely move onto other things a lot more quickly.

Now try replacing the word ‘acquaintance’ with ‘distressed part.’

1. You decide to tell this distressed part of you what you think of it, you criticize it and tell it how it should be different and for good measure you push it away. What do you imagine will happen? Well, the distressed part is probably going to push back. You are now stuck in a battle with a part that you find unpleasant and the situation gets even worse. And even once you get onto other things you can’t stop thinking about it!
    
2. You acknowledge that distressed part of yourself with a hello as you become aware of it. Sure it may be uncomfortable for a moment, but by simply saying hello without getting into all the judgments you may have about it, you can likely move onto other things a lot more quickly.

So just by saying hello to the difficult parts of yourself without judging them and trying to make them change, they have room to shift and change when they are ready. Because those difficult parts are only parts, if we don’t stay trapped in a battle with them, we also leave space for other parts, maybe less difficult ones to emerge. Often thoughts or feelings keep looping in our minds because we haven’t acknowledged them but instead continue to judge them and try to make them change or go away.

Okay, let’s try another one:

1. I’m dreading the family gathering this weekend.
2. A part of me is dreading the family gathering this weekend and I’m saying hello to it.

Try saying those two versions to yourself a few times and see if you notice any difference.

Does b) feel like it offers a bit more room? Does it feel like it gives a little bit more space or a pause between you and the dread without pushing the dread away or having the dread take over? What’s it like to say hello to it?